Losing

For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.”

Matthew 16:25

New International Version (NIV)

Two weeks ago, I was losing.  I wasn’t losing in the way I was hoping to, however, which was to lose the 43 pounds of fat and unhappiness I had put on.  I was losing my life because I couldn’t let go.  My life had become so unmanageable.  I was a raving maniac.   Working steps one and two on a regular basis were not enough, but I could not bring myself to say the third step prayer because I did not mean it.  That is when someone in my program reminded me about “acting as if”.  Acting as if, is something I had practiced in a past 12 step program.  I had forgotten though, about this simple yet effective tool.  Once reminded, I took the leap and recited the following prayer, despite my resistance:

God,

I give to you all that I am and all that I will be for your healing and direction.

Make new this day, Lord, as I release all my worries and fears,

knowing that You are by my side.  Please help me to open myself to Your love,

to allow Your love to heal my wounds and to allow your love to flow through me and

from me to those around me.  May your will be done this day and always.

Amen

(CoDependents Anoynmous 3rd Step Prayer)

Reciting this prayer daily-by “acting as if” I was able to let go of my life, opened me up to a world of blessings-mini miracles,  I call them.

The first miracle was one that snuffed out a battle  that raged inside of me daily.  This battle consisted  of constant guilt for not being the type of mom I thought I was expected to be and a need for independence.   I knew deep down that I was not a stay at home mom, yet I tried to at least stay home part-time for the sake of my girls.  What I had realized though, was that I was a not a better mother to my girls by forcing myself to be who I was not.  I was not being true to myself  and it was eating at me.   I decided I needed to work full-time.   When I spoke with my boss just a week before reciting this prayer each day, she had told me the only extra shifts available were a swing shift on my meeting night, a swing shift on “date night”, or a graveyard shift-all which were not going to work.    The majority of employees in my position work odd hours and varying shifts throughout each week.  I had been lucky enough to secure three day shifts thus far.   Two weeks after I stepped out into the unknown by reciting the 3rd step prayer each morning, however, I was offered another permanent day shift with the perfect hours.

Next up were two financial miracles.  Living paycheck to paycheck each week, we were struggling.  The blessing came when I opened the mailbox one day and  found a coupon stating that we could transfer prescriptions to another pharmacy with a rebate of $25.  And that was not all.  My husband and I  could transfer up to 10 prescriptions each.  Transferring 6 prescriptions blessed us with $150 worth of food that we were in need of, especially since I had counted on my paycheck being short due to a trip to California.  When I received my paycheck it was about $200 more than what I was expecting.  Another mini-miracle!

What I am slooooowwwwly learning on this journey, is that I must surrender.  Without surrendering, I will experience no joy, no peace, no sanity, no recovery.  I MUST or I will lose my life to this addiction.  The more I recite the third step prayer and “act as if” I am putting my life in his hands, the more I am blessed.  I believe God is using this to build my trust in Him.  And I trust that He will help me  be willing to put my entire life in his hands.